we are underlings

warning; this is a long ranting boring story that you probably don’t want to read. i tagged everyone i was friends with/acquainted with in high school. mainly in hopes that this particular girl will come across this note somehow. or not, whatever. if you don’t want to be tagged please feel free to un tag yourself, and sorry to bug you. again, this is a LONG boring story..so don’t read if you don’t want to.

there’s something i have to get off my chest. and i’m making this public in hopes that certain people from my past will see this. keep in mind i’m in no way a ‘writer’, so this is going to be choppy and some parts may not make sense, especially since i’m feeling extra emotional on the subject and this particular moment in time.

today i went to school for a final exam. while i was there i witnessed a person being teased because of a disability (IN COLLEGE). i see things like this happen every single day when i go to school. it literally makes me sick to my stomach and brings back some LOVELY memories of my middle school/ high school experiences.

the particular event i witnessed today is what this blog post is stemming from..it brings me to tears that i couldn’t stand up for that person and say something…i couldn’t say anything out of fear that i’d be teased by people like that. the reason i believe i can’t interfere with this horrible activity is because of people in my younger years. they have literally molded me into the person i am, good parts and bad.

sometimes i feel weak because of it, in particular today, for fear of being subjected to the same thing that made me cry frequently in high school. and even though i KNOW in my heart that the only reason they do it is because they are insecure about themselves, it still hurts. feeling that embarrassment..people watching and overhearing. being teased about the way they are can make them hate certain parts of themselves, parts that should be loved and cherished. society sadly makes people resent their originality and differences.

even though i know a lot of wonderful, awesome things are being done in present time to stop bullying in schools, it will never completely be stopped. stupidity and ignorance will over power other peoples attempts at stopping it. as long as people are made differently, with individual looks and personalities, there will be teasing and bullying. and others will ALWAYS follow somehow, and i will never fully understand how. people tend to respect the person who puts the others down, partly because they are young, their minds are still being molded by everything they encounter.

it’s not entirely their fault and i understand that. that’s why i can’t hold it against these people any longer. there are people i am still friends with on this website that took part in teasing me, and countless others in high school. and i don’t want to hold that hate in my heart any more. i don’t know how writing a long, ranting blog will help but i’m hoping it will ease the tension i feel daily when i think back.

a while ago, i was tagged in a picture with a group of girls i went to high school with. i’m still not sure how i got in this picture, seeing as i seriously doubt i was considered a “friend” by any of the girls in it. i think it was from 10th grade, i remember it was an english class i was in. i guess i’ve been removed from the tag otherwise i would link it..anyways, ever since i saw that picture…comments from the girls like “aww i miss this!” and “we were so cute..” “i miss this class” “i miss ___” “how are you ___”etc..not one of the comments mentioned me..and i was still terrified out of my mind one of them would leave a comment about being photographed with me.

ever since seeing it, i’ve wanted so badly to comment on it about one girl in particular that was in the picture. i still haven’t decided if i want to mention her name in this. anyways this girl semi-befriended me in this class..kind of giving me comments about my “cute shoes” or “cute band shirt”. in high school i was extremely quiet and honestly terrified of being noticed. and like any other high school girl, when someone popular gave me attention i was absolutely over joyed.

blah blah blah i don’t want to bore you with some lame story about me finally feeling “acceptance” from the popular people..so fast foward to my senior year. some how i became friends with a guy, who happened to be the ex boyfriend /on again/ off again of this girl that befriended(which means, was sometimes nice to me randomly and didn’t constantly put me down) me in 10th grade. i guess she was overwhelmed with anger that this person would actually consider talking to me.

she basically went on a rampage of criticizing my looks/clothes/face/hair everything in school. any time i walked down the hall, alone or not, she would start yelling out to her friends “look how ugly she is” and other various comments calling me a loser, etc.. her friends would all giggle and agree, and everyone in the hallway would stare at me. if i happened to be walking with a friend, i was never defended. and i honestly don’t blame them. if i was in their situation i would not have said anything, again out of fear of being teased and criticized. this girl somehow made others fear her and desperately want her acceptance. still to this day, i can’t understand that.

along with the constant criticism in the hallways there were abusive phone calls, nasty voicemails, text messages, myspace/facebook related abuse, driving past my house, other strange activities. this same person also attacked many of my friends in high school…throwing eggs at their cars and or houses..all kinds of insane shit. and of course it was unnoticed..because honestly no one really gave a shit.

one day in high school, i was sitting at a lunch table with some friends of mine (who also happened to be friends with the girl) and she came over and sat down at the table. the girl sat down and literally immediately said ” why is that ugly bitch at our table” or something along those lines. the girls surrounding her laughed, her little group of cult followers. and the friends i was sitting with said nothing. just sat and stared at me, i guess waiting for a reaction. i got up and left. then honestly went to the bathroom and cried, like some sappy teen movie on lifetime,. i’m sure she felt very satisfied that she got me to get up and leave.

to this day, when i see that girl in public (the mall, a restaurant, whatever) i am literally frozen in fear that she will say something to me, or to her friends about me, the way she did in high school. a couple of times, she has said something under her breath as i walked past. and it kills me that it still affects me so deeply. i got a lot of criticism from friends in high school about not just standing up for myself and saying something back to her, but i don’t think they realize how hard that can be, especially when there is no one there to back you up. not to mention the embarrassment of everyone watching you be teased kind of over powers your ability to come up with a sufficient “come back”.

my life in high school was literally a living hell, mostly because of her. i still wonder if she realizes the affect she had on me, and i’m sure plenty of other people she was cruel to through out the years. i believe most of my confidence issues with myself stem from that. all i ever wanted was to be left alone, and obviously she eventually did leave me alone, once i graduated and left that horrible place and her behind.

this is making my brain hurt, there’s more i want to say and explain but i just can’t figure out how to put it into words right now. maybe i’ll come back to this later or maybe i’ll just keep trying to repress this awful memory,